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Here is a bit of fun about life in Wivenhoe. With thanks to my Wivenhoe wives for their contributions.


You know you live in Wivenhoe if…

When you meet someone local you both immediately exchange the number of years you’ve lived in Wivenhoe, or you say you grew up here, studied here, or have married someone from Wivenhoe.

If you have lived in Wivenhoe less than ten years, then you are probably hiding in the Greyhound until you get your ‘local’ wings.

You say ‘I love Wivenhoe’ at least once a day.

You visit the Co-op at least twice a day and it takes you over an hour to stop and chat to everyone.

When you meet someone local, your parting remark is always, ‘see you in the Co-op’.

You are always happy to drive back to Wivenhoe and breathe in the fresh air.

You think that it is normal to have fish and chips, and a pint down the quay every night in the summer while your children run free, having completely forgotten your life in Clapham.

You head to the forum at the slightest hint of drama to find out all the gossip.

You think Colchester is a bit too far for a night out.

You think that foraging is a normal pastime.

You know 15 different words for the consistency of mud.

You say ‘I am never leaving Wivenhoe’ at least once a week.

You know the school catchment areas better than your own name.

You know that your local bookshop is the coolest in the world.

You have days when you really need to leave Wivenhoe and would like to go somewhere noisy and busy like Fabric in London.

You can never remember when the library is open.

You have been drunk in every public building in Wivenhoe.

You know 2/3’s of the people at every party. Half of them are artists, designers, or poets, the rest are parents.

You have noticed while crabbing that the local crabs are actually square.

You are definitely going getting involved in some local community events, next month.

You organise every children’s activity around a group trip to one of the pubs.

You worry about traffic congestion on The Avenue more than Brexit.

You know the price of all the Quayside properties and have thought of various implausible ways to purchase one.

You are very familiar with the expressions, ‘a drinking village with a fishing problem’ and ‘a drinking village with sailing problem’.

You are SO proud of the urban myth that Wivenhoe Co-op sells more booze in relation to population size than any other Co-op in the country.

You know that the people drinking in the park will be on prosecco not special brew.

You have heard about the May Fair mini riots.

You still buy things like marmalade for 20p from boxes outside people’s houses.

On Regatta day you secretly enjoy the Punch and Judy show.

You tell everyone who comes up from London that Tiptree Jam is from near here and that you nearly live on the Suffolk boarder.

You have suffered bites from mosquitos the size of your face.

You are proud to watch people’s expressions when you tell them that you live opposite Fingrinhoe.

You are also proud of the University of Essex, but mainly because it acts as a buffer between Wivenhoe and Colchester.

You freely refer to Wivenhoe as – The Hoe, Wiviera, Wiv, Wivvy, and the village.

You pretend the commute to London isn’t really far.

You have not left Wivenhoe for two months and haven’t even noticed.


More here from my fellow Wivenhovians…

You casually drop into conversation when friends are visiting that Francis Bacon and Joan Hixon used to live in Wivenhoe. (Alex T)

At least one person will come to visit you, having never heard of Wivenhoe before, and then move here as well. (Jess)

You know and fit into the three A’s of Wivenhoe. You’re either an Artist, Academic or an Alcoholic. (Heather)